Love Worse Than Drugs

By Zaina Starr

I was used, abused, and mistreated by my son’s father. It caused me anxiety, depression, and isolation. He changed me. I would never be the person I once was.

Overwhelmed with emotions, everyday was a struggle for me. Only negative comments to grow from. There was no growth. I lost everything. I worked. He didn’t. I climbed that ladder of improvement several times. And several times he pushed me off head first. I learned to want nothing but to die. I wanted out of my misery.

I was persuaded to leave him many times. And I did, but he always won in the end. I always went back. He would convince me to have sympathy for his behavior of the destruction of me.
My empathic personality, gave in to him every time, I neglected my needs over his. I was almost dead when I wasn’t given a choice, but to live without him when he was incarcerated several times. That was the happiest times of my life that I can remember.

I laughed. I socialized. All with the wrong crowd. His crowd. They all together destructed me for him because of his absence. That was the time I nearly commited suicide.

I fell in love again. Only to be mislead. But at least it was enough that I knew I wasn’t in love with my destructor anymore. He had a new name and new face.